


forgiving faith

by orphan_account



Category: Tiny Meat Gang (Band)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Awkward Sexual Situations, M/M, no real resolution
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-10
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:41:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25813729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Prompt:Noel's an atheist. Cody's a Mormon. :) you choose what you gonna do with dat.alternatively - i'm not sorry about the direction i took this prompt in.
Relationships: Cody Ko/Noel Miller
Comments: 2
Kudos: 52





	forgiving faith

**Author's Note:**

  * For [w0t_up_b0is](https://archiveofourown.org/users/w0t_up_b0is/gifts).



> just needed a break from 'overnight sensations', so i wrote this up. obv this isn't real. i don't think it is, don't want it to be. i respect their irl relationships and families. this isn't reflective of either. this is just a bit of fun.
> 
> also, i swear i'm not trying to shit on religion or anything like that. i tried to make sure it doesn't come off that way, but just in case ig.

"i'm scared." 

"i know, cody." he's always scared. or maybe that's noel projecting.

it used to be cute. how scared cody would get over little things. put on any horror movie, no matter how shitty, and you'd find cody curling into noel's side. holding onto his arm, and half hiding his face into his neck. 

that was always… sweet. wholesome. soft. as much as noel usually isn't a fan of pda, he could handle cody clinging to him during a horror movie - whether they're alone or with friends. stubbornly refusing to let noel turn it off because he didn't want noel to have the satisfaction, to know he couldn't handle what noel would consider _not even scary, its honestly, like, basically a kids movie_.

back when they first met in college, when it was cody's freshman year and noel's sophomore, and they were just roommates, noel invited cody to almost everything. so, when spock invited a bunch of people to his dorm to watch some shitty movies he found... you get the idea. and the first one cody went to was a horror movie marathon. noel remembers they were barely half way into the first one before he felt cody's hand grab onto his arm. and then putting his own hand over cody's and squeezing it when he started to loosen his grip. cody's hand had slowly started to fall down his arm. 

by the end of the second movie, cody's fingers were lightly resting on his palm and his thumb was loosely at his wrist. he didn't really notice until he looked over to cody, who was looking down at their hands. his eyes flickered to noel's face, and then his went red before he started apologizing profusely. then he excused himself to the restroom. it didn't look too suspicious to anyone at the time. other than noel and spock. everyone else was busy getting snacks or using the restroom or just hooking up, while spock's roommate queued up the third movie. 

when spock leaned over with that stupid shit eating grin, no one even noticed. "are you and cody, like... y'know?"

"what, together? no. i've barely known him a week."

"it's been like three and you're soft. like, domestic and shit for the mormon kid, dude."

"am not." _that's a big fucking lie._ but in his defense it was hard not to be. cody was just this mormon kid, transferring from some small canadian college to this big university in california. so noel took pity on him, and maybe he had just a bit of a soft spot for the canadian. but, like, so what?

anyone in noel's position would.

"really? dude. he was holding onto you. he was, like, half in your lap! usually you get weird about people sitting just a little too close. he was basically on you and you didn't bat an eye."

noel smirked. "jealous?"

"oh, totally." spock rolled his eyes. "but, seriously-"

"cody." saved by the bell. or the mormon twink. whatever.

he was walking back and once he reclaimed his seat between noel and the arm rest, noel found his hand. interlaced their fingers. that earned him a look from both spock and cody. he ignored it. and cody didn't try to pull his hand away. they just stayed like that. through the rest of the movies, until they went back to their dorm. 

noel remembers how cody was still scared when they got back. and how flustered he got when noel said that cody should just sleep in his bed. joked that he'd keep all the big scary monsters and murders away.

"but, like, just as friends. because of the movies, right?"

he couldn't bring himself to tell him he wasn't serious. it was just supposed to be a joke. not when cody's eyes couldn't meet his. or when he chewed his lip like that. cody was too innocent, looked too delicate for his own good. noel has always thought that, from the moment they met. but it was blaringly obvious now.

"yeah, just because of the movies, man. that's all it has to be." he offered a small smile as he said it.

cody didn't say anything back, just quietly got ready for bed then curled up next to noel. he remembers how quickly he fell asleep. there was a twinge of something, pride maybe, throughout his chest because of it. he liked it. liked being able to comfort cody like that.

if only it were that easy now. if only it were cute now. if only holding him tightly could squeeze the anxiety out. if only cody could push himself so close, there wasn't any room left for all their problems.

"what if they want me to go back?"

"you don't have to go. you're an adult. they can ask, but they can't make you, right?" 

_surely they wouldn't make him go back over a few pictures… right?_

cody held onto his shirt a little tighter. "no, but it feels wrong not to go. like i'm abandoning my congregation... my family..."

noel wants to say he gets that. he wants to be able to say that he completely understands what cody is going through. but he doesn't. he's never really been a religious guy. didn't grow up in a church and didn't care to go when he got older. but cody... cody **did**. he grew up in church, it's been a huge part of his life and still is. cody grew up to be the good little mormon he was supposed to be. mostly.

they really should've thought about all of this stuff more. it was only a matter of time. they'd had almost three and a half years together. three and a half years of a honeymoon phase. cody only has the next semester left. then he graduates. then he's expected to go back. expected to go back to his hometown. and even if cody's family knew he wanted to stay in california, they'd still expect him to visit for holidays and take time off from work to be with family and the church more than he has been able to at college. of course they would and of course cody wants to. he's managed to stay pretty close to a lot of his mormon friends and family. but he can't hide that he's gay and has a boyfriend forever. no matter how well he's done it so far, it can't be just a secret the rest of his life.

 _they won't mind._ cody has repeated that to noel so many times and noel never fully believed it. cody tried to explain that the mormon church is welcoming to gay people. that they won't hate them for feeling how they do, the church just expects they don't act on it. so as long they abstain from sex, they'll be fine. noel always figured there was something more there. like what cody was saying was technically true, but not completely. like it was different in practice or something. he never said anything or questioned cody on it too much. because ignorance really was bliss, then.

it had been so easy to get caught up in the moments and the technically's in the relationship. from the ' _this is technically platonic_ 's to the ' _this isn't technically sexual_ 's. from cody grinding against noel's dick while their both completely dressed (and noel's chuckled out, "you just durfed me dude" with cody's wrinkled nose and accompanying, "you're so gross"). to the time cody suggested they tried 'soaking'. 

"i wanna do that with you."

"i don't know what that is, codes."

he stuttered a bit after that. probably had hoped noel would have heard about it. he hadn't. "it's… uh, it's like uh, a thing that couples do. like, um, mormon couples, sometimes. the guy… just, um," cody was hopelessly red all the way up to the tips of his ears and noel's confused face didn't help. "he like, just… he, like, puts his thing in the lady's, y'know..."

"and then?"

"that's it."

"so, the guy just leaves his dick in her?"

his blush got so much worse. sometimes, noel's crassness was too much for cody. he embarrasses easily. but he nodded. and after a moment passed he quietly added, "and i, i wanna be the, uh, the lady."

it was tempting, but noel didn't think they should. it'd break some ethical code of innocence cody has to follow and he didn't want cody to feel like he had to do that to keep noel around. cody corrected him, explaining it's the 'law of chastity'. that he didn't feel he had to break that rule to keep noel around. and this wasn't breaking that, anyway. it was just a little loophole. that's all. 

cody eventually convinced him to do it.

it was awkward. they both stayed mostly covered. noel in a shirt and boxers. cody also had boxers, but had pulled an oversized hoodie on instead.

cody's boxers were pulled down, just under his ass. he remembers cody pushing his sleeves over his face to keep quiet while noel pushed in. and how he didn't stop covering his eyes until noel's pelvis was pressed up against the back of his thighs. and once they were cody was wrecked. he never wanted to fuck anyone more than he did looking down cody in that moment. his eyes were half-lidded, heavy. sleeves covering the rest of his face, sort of hiding the rosy color dusting over his cheeks. pale thighs were tight around his waist to keep from shaking. he looked and felt amazing. 

and when he lifted his hands, just a bit, to ask, "is it ok?" noel nearly lost it right there. 

"i should be asking you that, man."

"oh… i think it is," cody let out a shaky breath, "you, uh, it's bigger, uh, than, um, i thought it'd be. like, i feel really full-"

"cody, baby, shut up. just for second." 

"...ok."

it took so much self control not to fuck into him. god, he wanted to. _fuck!_ cody was so _so so_ _tight_. and hot. and squeezed him it all the right ways. he could only imagine how that perfect tightness would pull and grip around him if he did just thrust into cody. but he didn't. couldn't. that's not what cody wanted. that's not what they agreed to. 

he remembers leaning his head down onto cody's chest. and feeling cody's fingers wind up in his hair, playing with the short curls. he's since shaved his head and he doesn't regret shaving it all off, but he definitely misses that. cody's fingers twisting the curls between them and brushing at his scalp when they lay together. cody still does it. it's just different with it buzzed.

"do we still have to be quiet?" 

"no. i just needed you to, like, stop saying that shit."

"oh."

"it wasn't bad. just, _fuck_ , dude. it's a lot. i'm trying real hard not to..." that made cody smile. noel knew he felt a bit guilty for it, but cody kind of liked hearing how badly he wants him. even if they couldn't actually have sex, it's nice to know noel wants to. 

they stayed in that position for a while. not really knowing when to stop, they hadn't talked it through. noel didn't think to ask how long they were supposed to do this for. but cody wouldn't have had an answer for him anyway. it was kind of nice, cody thought. it'd probably be more comfortable they weren't horny. and if they didn't want more. if cody didn't want more. and if cody didn't feel so guilty for it. there's a lot of if's in the way of this being really enjoyable.

noel remembers when they stopped, cody pointed out that noel felt different. noel pointed out it was because his dick was getting soft. he remembers starting to pull out and cody gasping. and that stupidly perfect tightness clenching. getting completely hard again. his hips stuttering forward a bit. then looking up at cody to see wide eyes. he pulled out quickly and pushed himself off of him, apologizing profusely. trying to explain he didn't mean to. he would never do that on purpose.

they just sat there for a while. noel at the end of the bed, leaning against the wall, staring at cody. waiting for him to get mad. or ask him to leave. or just say something. anything. and cody pulled his knees to his chest and tugged his hoodie over them. trying to make himself small. so small he'll just disappear. he'd rather disappear randomly than live with a sin like that.

eventually, an _it's ok_ came from cody. voice soft. then a follow up, _i don't think it counts, anyway_. he didn't believe that, and he didn't expect noel to believe that either.

"i don't think we should do that again." noel said a while later. a part of cody wanted to protest, but there was another part of him that was relieved. he didn't _not_ like it when noel's hips accidentally stammered into his. in fact, he liked it a lot. it felt really good. and he doesn't think he would've minded if noel kept going. certainly wouldn't have stopped him. and as bad as it sounds, cody kind of thinks maybe he didn't want noel to stop. that scares him. how easily he would've just went against the scriptures teachings like that.

he never brought that up, though. neither did noel. they just stuck to durfing and sloppy make outs on the couch, occasionally. it was enough intimacy for them. cody thought. hoped.

noel squeezed his arm around cody, pulling him closer. "what are you gonna tell them?"

"what do you mean?" cody tries to hide his face in noel's chest. finding himself once again wishing he could hide away from the world so well that he just withered out of it. but he couldn't, so curling up in noel's arms and pretending he could just stay there for a small eternity. never having to talk to anyone else, or fear judgement. was good enough for now.

that… _that_ is something noel understands. wanting to not be afraid of judgement. not feel inadequate because you don't live up to an expectation you don't know is stupid, yet. not wanting to exist in a world that doesn't accept you because of that shit. noel's family was never all that religious, but they weren't exactly the most progressive bunch either. they still expected him to turn out straight and most didn't react well when they found out he wasn't. 

noel remembers begrudgingly telling cody his "coming out" story. or in other words: how he was outed. how he was asked to some dance by a girl in ninth grade and how she got really upset when he turned her down. he really didn't want to see her cry, so he just tried to explain that it's not her fault. she's just not his type. how he hoped she'd get the hint. and how he found out the next day that she understood what he was saying loud and clear, and told everyone she could for some petty revenge.

eventually it got back to his family. most of them wouldn't even talk to him. sure, eventually they came around. some of them did, at least. some still don't talk to him. and honestly, noel doesn't really care. they're assholes, he didn't choose to have any of those people in his life, anyway. they were just there by chance. what really hurt was when half of his friends, the people noel _chose_ to hang around with, completely ditched him. the few that stayed friends with him just pretended he wasn't gay at all. avoided the topic entirely.

it was weird having to figure himself out. having to figure how to give a shit about himself and accept himself. having to make a sort of persona for himself. that's louder. funnier. more charming. that made everyone forget that he's gay. because he just seemed _like_ _such a chill dude_. he had to navigate the world in a way that people do when they're adults, not in highschool. not when they're fifteen. people shouldn't have to think about that shit when they're fifteen, in noel's opinion.

he remembers seeing it on cody's face. he didn't get it. not at the time. cody never really expressed this part of himself before noel. part of him was worried he'd scare cody. make him think coming out is always bad. he didn't want that. and cody tried to assure him that he hadn't. cody just hugged him, tucking himself under noel's chin, when noel was talking. trying to comfort him while he spoke. in his own words, he was just being noel's "teddy bear that listens and hugs back".

it was cute. and very sweet. too much so for noel. his first instinct was to snort and mumble "nah, you're my teddy twink". 

he could see how badly cody wanted to tell him to fuck off on his face. he never would. cody doesn't swear. and he won't tell him to _eff off_ either. not after noel picked on him for it. (sometimes he still says it. always by accident, though.)

eventually it kinda became their thing. when noel needed it or whenever cody thought he needed it, and sometimes just because cody wanted to, he'd wrap his arms around him. be his little teddy twink. just let noel vent. and sometimes he'd vent a bit. but mostly they'd just hold onto each other. obviously, holding onto each other like that never fixed anything, but it made both of them feel better. even if noel will never admit it, cody could see it. his demeanor always changed. he was calmer, more relaxed.

"you know what i mean." noel sighs, "about us." 

"we don't know that-" cody wishes he could do that now. he's curled up to noel, and noel's holding onto him. but it's not how it usually is.

it's not sweet. it's not comforting. they're both desperate for any semblance of solace in the other. but neither of them can really provide that. so they just holding each other, scared that this is it.

"yes. we do. they know, cody. we can't hide from them forever."

"yeah…" he doesn't really know what more to say. cody wants to apologise. but there's nothing to apologise for. 

maybe the worst part about this is that there's no one to blame. there isn't one person to blame for how cody's family found out. no one to be mad at.

sure, he could blame aleena. she took the pictures. but it also wasn't the first set she's taken of them doing cute couple-y shit. especially that early in their relationship. it wasn't even the first time she's posted them. the pictures his family "found" were some of the older pictures she took. from around christmas and new years, about three years ago. it made cody question whether they were found, or if someone sent them.

or he could blame spock. it was his party. he threw a party when everyone got back from winter break. it was to celebrate every holiday around that time and new years by getting drunk, since they were all with their families for the holidays. he remembered spock asked if he and noel would help put up the cheap, shitty decorations he had. 

and cody could also blame himself. because he agreed. cody and noel helped with decorations. they knew where they all were and they still stood under the mistletoe. noel didn't even try anything when kelsey pointed out they were standing under it. that was cody. he was the one that grabbed noel's face and pressed a quick kiss to his lips, before stumbling back a bit. noel only kissed him after.

he remembers looking through the pictures and seeing noel's eyes wide open in the first picture. in the second cody had his back against the door frame and noel staring at him. a bit surprised, but he was smiling. his mouth wasn't, just his eyes. the third, they're kissing again. noel's pulling cody closer into it. and the forth is cody's favorite. it's almost identical to the third, but they're arms are wrapped each other. cody's arms are around noel's neck, instead of stiffly at his sides.

he couldn't be mad at aleena for taking them. cody loves those pictures. the last one has been his phone background since she sent them to him (only changing it when he went back home to visit family). and he couldn't be mad at spock, either. the party was fun. he wasn't tempted to drink or anything. and no one pushed him to or made him feel like he should. it was just a lot of fun. from decorating the dorm, to the actual party.

cody couldn't really bring himself to be mad at himself or noel either. he loved those moments with noel. he loved most moments with noel. but the rare, especially wholesome ones, he loved dearly. and he feels lucky that it was photographed. that that sweet moment at that party was saved forever. there wasn't any bit of him that regrets it.

it's just… cody doesn't know if it makes him any less of a religious man because he doesn't regret any of that. he feels like he should. but he couldn't, even if he wanted to.

cody continued after his long pause. "i just, i don't want to lose you. and i really don't want to be excommunicated from my community. i, w-what if they make me choose?"

"i don't know, cody." he dragged his hand over his face. stressed. "obviously, i wanna be selfish and say stay with me, but i don't want to be the reason you're excommunicated, either."

cody rolled off noel, laying next to him on his back. "why can't i just have both? why? why can't i have my faith and have you?"

"you do have me."

"no, i don't. not really. and i never will."

noel propped himself on his arm and looked over at cody. "i don't understand what you mean."

"i'll never get to have you in the ways i want you. i wanna hold your hand or kiss you or take a stupid picture at a party without having my faith questioned. i wanna be together with you like a man and a woman are together. i wanna share all of myself with you and not feel guilty about it. i don't wanna feel like loving you, and being with you, and having a life with you is just living in sin. but i can't. i just can't, noel. i can't do that and it's not _**fucking** fair_." cody sobs. noel's heart shatters when he hears it. "why… why is it so un-fucking-fair?"

he kept mumbling out half sobbed out _why_ 's. noel pulled him close again. there wasn't much more he could do. he hated that. that he couldn't make it better. he'd give anything to change things. so cody could stay with his church and not go through this. so they wouldn't have to go through this. 

but he couldn't just make a deal with a devil. trade his soul for that little bit of happiness. if it were possible he would do it in a heartbeat. he wouldn't think twice about it. but it's not.

"i don't know cody," he pressed his lips to cody's hair. "i don't know."

**Author's Note:**

> any and all comments are welcome and appreciated.


End file.
